If I Was Bella Swan
by PippinStrange
Summary: Pippin puts herself in Bella's shoes and enjoys her process of decision-making in a whole new way. Major Edward bashing, so don't read only to complain. Clearly, not everyone has the same opinion of the Cullens. Great for Jacob fans! R&R!
1. Meeting Edward

Summary: If I could have made Bella's choices for her, things would be WAY different. Humor/Parody story. Major Edward bashing, so read at your own risk if you are a fan of him. Great for Jacob fans!

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Chapter One  
Meeting Edward

I'd never given much thought as to how I would die. Thinking about such things is emotionally and spiritually unhealthy, and it would mean I have mental issues.

Oh, a quick description of me. I have a fear of blood. I'm extremely pale, almost albino looking. I have brown hair. I'm a very average person—except with the amount of books I read. I am the most horrible klutz in the whole world. I totally lack hand-eye coordination. I'm not much of a do-er, I'm more of a thinker. I get good grades, too.

My story begins when I moved to Forks, Washington (the rainy place) to stay with my Dad, Charlie (the chief of police).

So my first day at school was interesting to say the least. I wasn't two steps onto the property when an eager kid came running up to me, chattering, "You're Isabella Swan, right? I'm Eric! I'm here if you need anything—guide, lunch date, shoulder to cry on…I'm with the paper—and YOU are front page news, baby!"

"A new student is front page news?" I asked. "Wow. Don't you guys do anything around here?" He stopped chattering.

"Why don't you do a feature about… I don't know… stingy donating families who are trying to ensure their students reputation instead of fixing the leaky gym?" I made this idea up on the spot.

"That's a GREAT idea!" Eric cried. Then he turned around and left.

"Wow," I mumbled. "Okay then. I was about to tell him I prefer suffering in silence, too…"

My first few classes went okay, but when it came time for PE, things weren't going so well. I suck at volleyball. After a dozen failed attempts, I finally hit the ball—but it sailed out of bounds and nearly knocked some kid unconscious.

"Hey," he said, approaching me. "You're Isabella Swan, right?"

"Just Bella," I corrected. "And I'm really sorry I hit your head. I told them to not let me play. I suck."

"No, no, that's OK... I'm Mike," he replied, grinning ear to ear.

"Uh…" I wondered why he was smiling. "How hard did I hit you?"

Suddenly one of the other girls, Jessica, came running up. "She's got a great spike, huh?" she chortled. "I'm Jessica by the way. Hey, I have a question—you're from Arizona, right? Aren't people from Arizona supposed to be like—really tan?"

"No." I replied. "That's a stereotype." No response, just stares. "It's like this," I tried to explain, "It's like people thinking EVERYONE from Forks is freakishly white. Look at you, Jessica. You've got an awesome tan. I'm jealous. Anyways. Nice meeting you. BYE!" feeling awkward, I turned and trotted away.

When lunch time rolled around, I sat with Mike, Jessica, Eric, and two others named Angela and Tyler. "Whats up!" I said cordially. I glanced up and noticed a family of five walking in. They were all deathly pale and pretty darn sexy. "Who are they?" I asked.  
Jessica introduced them as Alice and Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie, and lastly, Edward. Edward, Alice, and Emmett were the Cullen siblings. Rosalie and Jasper Hale were twins. Alice and Jasper were a couple, Rosalie and Emmett were a couple, and Edward was single. They all lived together because they were foster kids—and their Dad, Dr. Carlisle Cullen, played matchmaker.

"I bet they're really nice though." I said. I noticed Edward staring me down as if I were bubble gum stuck to his shoe. I glanced at him several times, flattered at the attention, but wondering why he looked angry. Finally, I mouthed, "WHAT?" I threw my hands in the air. He looked away quickly.

When Biology came, it turned out Edward was my seat partner. He glanced at me when I walked in, and then twitched as if someone stabbed him. When I sat down, he covered his mouth as if I smelled bad.

"Hi?" I asked. No answer. He handed me supplies for the lab we were about to do. "What is your PROBLEM?" I whispered. He didn't answer, he only looked away. I smelled my hair—nope! Wasn't me! Five minutes later, he was glowering at me. His look was hungry like a dog and intense like a murderer.

"I am NOT a piece of meat," I said, loudly. He looked away.

"Is there a problem?" asked the teacher. I had interrupted his lecture.

"There SHOULDN'T be," I said crisply, looking at Edward. I do NOT appreciate being looked at like that. I didn't have any problems with him after that—the bell rang pretty soon. And then, believe it or not, later I found him in the office trying to change out of his Biology class. So he just doesn't like me. Oh well. I don't like him either!

After a few days of absence, Edward appeared in Biology looking friendly. "Hi!" he said. "I haven't been able to properly introduce myself. I'm Edward Cullen."

"Oh, NOW you're being nice?" I asked, miffed. "Well, better late then never. I'm Bella. Pleased to meet you. Would you pass the microscope please?"

"Sure." And he did. "So why did you move to Forks?"

Wow. Friendly—and nosy—conversation. "My mom remarried," I explained.

"You don't like the guy?" he asked.

"Phil's super nice," I added, "But they're newlyweds. I thought'd it be a perfect time to bow out and spend time with Charlie—my dad. That way they can move around and do whatever they want."

"How do you like the rain?"

"I love the rain," I replied. "And you're in luck, because I know this lab by heart. That's prophase."

"Mind if I check?" he asked.

"Fine," I said shortly.

When the bell rang, he walked me out of class. I tried to walk a little faster, but he kept up with me. He kept asking about my mom and Phil. It was kind of annoying—he acted as if he was irritated with me the whole time. Plus his eyes were a different color. UNCANNY.

"Did you get contacts?" I asked.

"It's the florescence," he replied.

"No it isn't," I frowned. "Lights don't change your eyes from black to gold. Plus it's the exact same kind of lights in the Biology room. You don't have to lie to me, I was JUST ASKING." With that, I turned my back on him and got into my locker. He stomped away like an irritated toddler.

~~~ 


	2. Superhero or What?

Summary: If I could have made Bella's choice for her, things would be WAY different. Humor/Parody story. Major Edward bashing, so read at your own risk if you are a fan of him.

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Chapter 2,  
A Superhero, or what?

One afternoon, my life changed forever. Literally.

So I was getting into my backpack, right? And I turn around and notice that Edward was staring at me from across the parking lot. Suddenly, Tyler's van squealed around the corner, slid on some ice, and came screeching towards me. I knew I was going to die—it was about to crush me between my truck and its door.

Before I knew it, I had fallen, and Edward Cullen stood between me and the van. He caught me and used one hand to shove the van away. There was a dent where his hand had been. Then he set me down and jumped away.

"DUDE!" I started yelling. "THAT WAS AMAZING! Where are you going? Why are you running away? Come back! That WAS SO EPIC! Hey! HELLO?"

Then I was surrounded by a crowd of people, and no one else had seen it but me. Lucky for me I got carted off to the hospital and didn't have to respond to the worry and sympathy of the whole student population that I didn't even know.

I ran into Edward at the hospital—he was there to see his Dad, Dr. Carlisle Cullen. "I need to talk to you," I said. Edward grudgingly approached me in the hall—I had just been released (there was nothing wrong with me but a bruise on the back of my noggin).

"How the heck did you do it?" I asked.

"Do what?" he replied.

"Rescue me, you dork," I said.

"Can't you just thank me and get over it?" he asked.

"Thank-you for saving my life," I said sincerely. "Are you like, superman or what?"

"I'm not going to TELL you, and no one will BELIEVE you, so…"

"Well I wasn't going to say anything," I shrugged. "I'm not stupid. But seriously though. You can't just rescue me and shut up. I'll hate you forever."

"Then I hope you enjoy hating people," he replied icily. He walked away.

"JERK!" I called after him. "And thanks again!"

That night, I totally had a dream he was standing in my room staring at me. It was the creepiest thing in the world. I turned on my light after that and slept with it on.

From that moment on, things got kind of strange. The ENTIRETY of that Cullen family who sat in the corner of the cafeteria and never ate anything stared at me all the time. It was annoying!

"Would you like to go to prom with me?" Mike asked one morning.

"The problem is," I added, "I can't dance. Do you like to dance?"

"Yeah."

"If you want someone to dance with you, why don't you ask Jessica? She dances. I am horrible at dancing."

"I'd like to go with you still."

"Even if we just sit around?"

"Yup!"

"Great," I said enthusiastically. "Question, we'll be with the group, right? Like, I want you and Jessica to be able to dance too. I'll be like—you're unofficial date." Edward was practically looming over Mike's shoulder, scowling.

"You're an odd girl," Mike said, "But sure. Whatever you're comfortable with. I'll even take both you and Jessica—what do you think?"

"You are so sweet," I grinned, "And a good friend." I gave him a quick hug. Then we got on the bus for our field trip.

During the entire trip, Edward was silent and glared daggers every time I made eye contact.  
"Why did you say yes to Mike?" he asked later as we were given a tour through some greenhouses.

"Because he's a sweet guy," I replied. "Are you going to tell me about how you stopped the van yet? Or shall I keep hating you?"

"I had an adrenaline rush," he said stupidly, "You can google it."

"Okay!" I smiled. "Thanks for telling me! I don't have to hate you anymore. Now we can be friends." I tripped, and he helped me to my feet. I smiled at him. How nice!

Sometime later, he stopped me by the bus. "We can't be friends," he said sourly.

"Why NOT?" I asked. "This is stupid!"

"It's for the best," he added.

"It's not like I'm asking you to marry me," I rolled my eyes. "Why didn't you just let the van crush me instead of regretting it?"

"You think I regret saving you?"

"If you DIDN'T, you'd be NICER to me," I cried, angry. "If you DON'T regret saving me, then show it. Be nice to me or DON'T talk to me. I mean it, Edward." Then I turned and got on the bus.

Back at school the next day, I was getting veggies to eat for lunch, and while I arranged my plate, a voice asked, "Edible art?" it scared the crap out of me, and I knocked an apple off the counter. He caught it in both hands and extended them, saying in greeting, "Bella."

"Wow, garden of Eden impression?" I said. "Thanks." I took the apple. "Guess what—your mood swings are giving me whiplash. Why keep it up?"

"I only said we shouldn't be friends—not that I didn't WANT to be," he said, remorsefully.

"And I'm supposed to do what now about that?" I asked dubiously.

"All I'm saying is—if you're smart, you'll stay away from me." He said, nicely for once. The content didn't match his tone.

"Let's pretend I'm stupid for a minute," I said, "If I agreed, would you tell me the truth?"

"I'd rather hear your theories," Edward said cautiously.

"Kryptonite, radioactive spiders… that's just two. Wanna hear more?"

"Not really," he replied, "But I'd like to give you a hint. That's superhero stuff. I am not a superhero. What if I'm… the bad guy?"

"If your behavior towards me is any indication," I snapped, "I'd say—yup! You're the bad guy! But I also understand its probably just cause you're like, I dunno, socially awkward. I feel bad—you never sit with anyone, and you always seem mad at me. I think this whole jerk-attitude is just a mask so that no one sees, deep down, you might be a not JUST a emo hero—but a nice guy. So here's my idea—hang out with us. We're all going to the beach. Get over you're shy, angry self and have some fun for once. You brood like a hen. It's time to stop that. Mk?"

"Which beach?" he asked, sounding remotely interested.

"La Push," I told him. "On the Quileute reservation."

He shrugged, changing his attitude quickly.

"Is there something WRONG with that beach?" I said accusingly, wondering if he was racist or something.

"No, it's just a little crowded," he said, looking over my shoulder at Mike. Wow. The dude must be jealous—ha ha! Then he started to walk away.

"Is that a yes or a no?" I called after him.

"It's a no," he said over his shoulder.

"Well I tried," I replied, "Basketball's in your court again!" he didn't reply this time. He went and sat with his siblings again.

~~~ 


	3. Learning His Intentions

Summary: If I could have made Bella's choice for her, things would be WAY different. Humor/Parody story. Major Edward bashing, so read at your own risk if you are a fan of him.

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Chapter 3,  
Learning His Intentions

That Saturday when we went to the beach, I had a very interesting time. I gave Angela a pep talk about asking Eric to the dance—she had a thing for him apparently—and saw my oldest friend Jacob. I think he might like me. I didn't encourage him though. Anyways, he was sweet, and told me about some awesome legends of his tribe. Some of it involved the Cullens being descended from some enemy tribe—that made me laugh. They don't get along apparently. No wonder Edward declined my invitation! It made sense now. Family feuds—sad business.

Inspired by Jacob's cool Native American tales, I looked up books on the internet. The next weekend, when I went to Port Angeles with Jessica and Angela to look at prom dresses, I asked them if they'd mind me going to a bookstore. They laughed and teased me about how I'd rather buy a book than a dress. In the end, I sat in the shop for an hour giving my opinions, and then went to the book place, agreeing to meet them for dinner later.

After purchasing my book of Quileute legends, I walked outside to find that it was dark. Feeling slightly nervous about wandering around Port Angeles, I began walking down the sidewalk slowly. I dialed Jessica's number.

"Hey Jessica," I asked, "It got dark pretty fast. I was wondering—do you think you could pick me up at the bookstore? It's kind of unsafe to like, you know, wander around. I'm paranoid."

"No problem," she said, "We're less than ten minutes away." Just as she hung up, I noticed a group of men emerge around the corner of the block. They started to approach quickly.

I turned to walk back up the stairs to the bookstore, but the lights were off and the sign had changed to 'closed'. I couldn't see the owner through the window- must have left through the back.

Before I knew it, I was surrounded by several drunken men.

"Hey sweetie," they were saying, "Want some company? Hey! Why don't you hang out with us? No, don't LEAVE…"

I didn't know what to do. They weren't going to let me leave—one of them grabbed my arm. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" I shouted, kicking him in the no-no square. I opened my cell phone and was on the verge of dialing 911 when suddenly, Edward's car swerved around the corner. He almost hit the men.

He jumped out of the car and shouted, "Get in the car." I obeyed and hopped in the front seat. Edward went to the leader guy and stared him down for a second, and then all the men turned and began to walk away. Wow- all he had to do was stare at a gang and they all LEAVE? Even I was slightly impressed. Killer eyes!

Edward jumped in the drivers seat again, and began to put it in reverse.  
"Wait," I said, "Jessica is meeting me here. I don't want her to get here and have those people still be waiting around."

"I want to kill them," Edward growled, putting the car in park. His eyes glimmered as he watched the gang flee down the sidewalk.

"That's a little extreme," I said, "But I appreciate the rescue—again. Dude. It's like having my own guardian angel. You're awesome. But yeah—please don't commit murder on my account. I'd say it's sweet of you but it's kind of scary. So how did you find me?" I was feeling jittery and sick. I couldn't stop ranting.

No answer. He was gripping the steering wheel. "I should kill them for what they were thinking," he said darkly.

"Do you know what they were thinking?" I asked, shakily.

"It's not hard to guess." He added, his hint causing my stomach to turn over.

"I think I'm gonna be sick!" I opened the car door and threw up all over the curb. Edward patted my back tentatively. Then he handed me a napkin and a water bottle. "You're prepared," I coughed, cleaning up when I was finished. "Sorry. That was EXTREMELY attractive. Yikes."

"Well," Edward said kindly, "You're safe now."

"Aaaawww," I said, "But seriously though? I've never been SO SCARED IN MY LIFE. I'm gonna need a change of pants." At Edward's look, I added, "I'm just kidding about the pants part. Now I have a question. About the knowing what those guys were thinking. You weren't even there at first. How do you know they weren't just asking for directions before you pulled up and roared?"

"I can read minds," Edward said softly. "See those teenagers over there? Smoking by that fence down the block?"

My eyes were wide with disbelief. "Yeah..."

"This is what they're thinking—parents, home, beer, cat, boyfriends, smoking, drugs, and a few other unmentionable things…"

"You could be making that up," I added, "It's easy to predict what a gang of teens would be thinking. Look, I can do it too. That one is thinking about smoking pot. That girl is thinking about her parents always fighting. That guy is trying to get enough guts to ask her out." the guy and girl in question suddenly handed eachother their phones, clearly exchanging numbers. "Called it," I said triumphantly. "So anyways, before we took this weird little detour into the supernatural, tell me this—how DID you know where to find me?"

"I didn't."

"Did you FOLLOW ME?" I squeaked. It seems I've gone from one dangerous situation to another.

"I feel very… protective of you," he said quietly.

"You sound pretty sincere," I said, "But everything in my brain is screaming 'CREEPER!' I barely know you. So you stalk me, right? Just because you feel protective?" I reached over and patted his hand mockingly. "This is what you call OBSESSED. It's not healthy. So I'm just gonna wait—outside…"

He grasped my hand. "Please don't go."

"Whoa," I said, "Are you sick?"

"Why?"

"Your skin is like ice! You need to warm up!" I put the heat on so that it blasted. "Alright. You saved me from drunken men, I save you from hypothermia. We're square. Now I'm going to be very clear about this, Edward. It's really nice of you to keep saving my life and stuff. That's twice you've done it, and I am grateful. But you need to get over this creepy-stalker thing. I DO NOT APPRECIATE THAT. Do you understand?"

"Yes," Edward said, as if he were in pain. "But… I do not have the strength to stay away from you anymore."

"Find it," I said crisply.

Just then, Jessica's car pulled up, and I patted Edward's hand, more kindly this time. "I'm sorry," I said, "Just keep you're distance in a healthy way. And then we could be friends, alright? Thanks again. Bye!" I hopped out of the car and joined Jessica and Angela, and then told them every detail of my adventure. We went out to dinner and had a good time, but I couldn't eat as much. I was still pretty shaken by my near-attack.

~~~ 


	4. The Everything Scene

Summary: If I could have made Bella's choice for her, things would be WAY different. Humor/Parody story. Major Edward bashing, so read at your own risk if you are a fan of him.

* * *

Chapter Four,  
This is the Scene Where We Find Out EVERYTHING

On the way back, though, we stopped at the police station. There were a lot of lights still on, an ambulance, and several other squad cars. Worried about my Dad, I hopped out and ran into Edward and Carlisle out front.

Edward obviously beat me there—or knew I'd show up. They explained to me that one of my Dad's dear friends had been killed in an animal attack—similar to one that my Dad had told me about earlier. When I went inside to comfort him, he gave me a can of pepper spray and made me promise I'd use it. I decided to not tell him about my ordeal that night, since he was grieving. In the future, the danger might not mean as much-I had pepper spray!

That night, I read my nearly-forgotten book of legends. It talked about that 'enemy clan' that the Cullen's were supposedly descendents of. I googled it for fun, wondering if they had any current articles about tribe animosity.

Instead, hundreds and hundreds of articles about vampires came up. Vampire art, history, legends, locations, names, descriptions… cold, white, fast, strong, and a blood drinker.  
"Sounds like Edward," I mused. "I'll ask him about HIS family legends tomorrow. Then we can talk like normal people." I tried not to think about the fact that he seems like a superhero sometimes. Adrenaline rush, I reminded myself. Adrenaline rush only.

The next morning, I caught Edward outside of school. "Hey my rescuing friend," I greeted. "I have a question. I was asking and reading about Quileute legends, and according to my pal Jacob, you're family is like—descendants of vampires. Naturally I don't believe that. But still, it's kinda cool. Got any awesome family stories? I'd like to hear them."

"ShutUP," Edward hissed, grabbing my arm. "Stop it. Now."

"Let go," I said, peeved. "Sorry if I offended you. Just thought I'd ask. I'm a history buff. I'm trying to be NICE."

The last of the students went inside. I hastened to follow—this side of the school was suddenly devoid of people. I didn't want to be left alone with my kindly stalker. Edward didn't let go of my arm.

"We can't talk about the vampire stuff in front of people," he hissed, "Come to the woods. You can make your accusations there."

"HECK NO!" I screeched, trying to pull away. Suddenly, he threw me behind him and lifted me up, so I was riding piggy-back style. He grasped both legs. "AAAAAAGH!" I screamed. I started beating his shoulders, hurting my hands with every punch. "LET ME GO YOU FREAK! HEEEELP! HEEEEELP!"

Suddenly, with speed too fast for any human, Edward ran into the woods in a matter of seconds. He ran so fast I felt my stomach fall behind like taking off on a roller coaster. I screamed and punched the back of his head the whole time. Before I knew it, we were DEEP inside the forest. Then he put me down.

"Wow, okay, NOW I know," I gasped, sitting on a log. "You've got super speed too, among you're other talents. And LET ME GUESS. You're what the articles said."

"Say it." Edward said dramatically, looking at me hard. "Out loud."

"Why..." I looked around. "What for?"

"JUST," Edward said, controlling a temper tantrum I bet. "SAY IT."

"Vamp," I spat sarcastically, my lips popping on the P. "Ire."  
A pause. He didn't say anything.  
"There. It wasn't so hard," I said, "Now I'm leaving."  
Frightened, I turned and began to run away. He was suddenly in front of me, blocking my path.

"Let me pass," I tried to stay calm.

"You still don't believe me—you don't believe I am a vampire, and you don't believe I won't hurt you." He looked angry and sad.

"Congratulations, smart one," I said.

"I'm going to show you what I look like in the sunlight," Edward grabbed me a second time, and took off faster than the speed of light through the woods. It's a wonder he didn't run right into a tree. He led me up the mountain, to its peak. I screamed the whole way, beating my fists against him and grabbing fistfulls of his hair. Nothing worked!

He put me down sometime later, and began to walk away from me. I wrung my now-bruised hands, saying in a sing-song voice, "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die…"

"This is why we can't go out into sunlight," he said, unbuttoning his shirt.

"WHOA!" I erupted. "Let's keep it PG, okay?"

He stepped into a shaft of light drifting through an opening in the trees. He was sparkling like diamonds. His skin was... glowing. Like faceted glass. Like putting prisms in a window.  
I put a hand over my mouth, trying not to snort.

"This is what I am," Edward said dramatically.

I giggled. "You sparkle," I said dubiously. "You freaking sparkle?" I let out another laugh. "YOU SPARKLE." I tried so hard not to laugh—unsuccessfully. "I'm sorry," I snickered, "I don't mean to mock your skin. But… well, you sparkle. You kind of had it coming."

"This is the skin of a killer, Bella," he said, in a tortured voice.

"Oh help," I whispered under my breath, taking a step back. My gosh—he's going to KILL ME! I fumbled in my pocket, wondering if I could call 911. I whipped my cell phone out—naturally, no service!

"I've killed people before," Edward repeated in the same tone.

"I believe you!" I agreed. "Are we done yet?"

"Everything about me invites you in, my voice, my face—even my smell!" Edward sounded disgusted with himself.

"Wait," I said, "Can we rewind? Where was the part where I was invited in? And yeah, you DO smell good—I guess even vampires use deoderant."

"As if you NEED any of that," Edward continued. Suddenly disappeared—and reappeared, faster than anything I'd seen before, on a ledge of mountainside to my left. "AS IF YOU COULD OUTRUN ME!" He yelled.

"Why are you yelling?" I asked. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!" I wondered if the Anchorman quote was entirely appropriate for this time.

"AS IF YOU COULD FIGHT ME OFF!" suddenly he was just in front of me, ripping a six-foot root from deep inside the earth. He chucked it down the hill, and it shattered against a thick trunk.

"I'm not ARGUING with you!" I threw my hands in the air, exasperated.

"I'm designed to kill," he repeated.

"I get it," I replied.

"I've killed people," Edward said, his eyes intense.

"Is this CD skipping?" I asked, annoyed.

"I wanted to kill YOU," Edward said sorrowfully, "I've never wanted a human's blood so much before."

I checked my watch. I didn't wear a watch. But I hope the gesture was a good hint without bordering on cruel—rude, but not cruel. Even though I had every right to be cruel. The man was insane.

"Me and my family," Edward said, jumping into a tree and sitting on a branch like a bird. "We're different than others of our kind—we hunt animals. But your scent—it's like a drug to me. You're like my own personal brand of heroine."

"Alright, nice," I said, backing up a few more feet. "So you like reading my mind and my presence makes you high. Fantastic."

"Actually, I cannot read yours," Edward said sheepishly, "Everyone but yours. It's very frustrating."

"That is way too obviously convenient." I chortled.

"I long to know what you're thinking…" in the blink of an eye, Edward was leaning towards me. I had backed up against a rock—oops. He put both hands on either side of me and closed in, inches from my face.

"Personal bubble," I squeaked. "This is the part where you say a tortured goodbye, right? Dramatic ending to all this? Yes? Did I mention I have claustrophobia? You're making it worse!"

Edward wouldn't break eye contact. "You have no idea how long I've waited for you."

"I'm afraid you're going to have to wait a bit longer," I sounded like a mouse when I spoke. He was so close I could see the weird little glass-looking pores in his sparkly—snicker—skin.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb," he said tenderly.

"That poor lamb!" I said, finally having enough of this close proximity.

"What a sick, masochistic lion," Edward smiled.

"Stop baring your teeth, and LET ME PASS," I said sternly. He moved aside, stricken. I moved away from him quickly and went back the direction we had come. "Listen, hotshot," I cried angrily, "I don't even KNOW you. You've rescued me a few times—awesome. How do I know you didn't even set those situations up in order to appear heroic and white-knight-like? You've been a total creep. And then I find out all you want to do is suck my blood. Well I have news for YOU, pal. If you 'love' me so much—which, by the way, I doubt you do because you know nothing about me except that I smell nice—then you'll do what's best for both of us and stay away!"

I could almost see Edward's absent heart turn black, crumble to pieces, and then cease to exist. I felt bad, a little, because he looked so crestfallen.

"I'll take you back," Edward said sadly, holding out his hand. "Do you trust me?"

"I'm afraid I'll walk down," I muttered.

"We're almost ten miles up," Edward said, a grin tugging at his mouth.

"WE'RE WHAT?" I screeched. "Oh my GOSH. FINE. Take me down. THEN the unofficial restraining order is put into place."

With the wind whipping my face, my eyes burned with tears and my skin prickled with goose bumps from the cold. When we got to the edge of the school property, I mumbled a "Thank-you. That was educational. Sorry I don't love you."

...And left Edward Cullen standing dejectedly in the shadow of the trees.

[THE END]

~~~

* * *

EPILOGUE

_It was a dark and stormy night..._

I woke up to a tiny sound at the end of my room. I gasped with fear-the looming figure of a man stood at the foot of my bed. Is that...

"Edward? What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I like watching you sleep," Edward said, smiling as he stepped into the light. "I find it really interesting."

First, I threw my lamp at him. Then my glass of water. He fled through the window... and I retreated beneath my covers in a troubled, night-mare ridden sleep.

"So Dad," I said one morning as we sat together during breakfast. "I'd like to talk about a restraining order."

"Hm?" Charlie looked up, fighting a smile. "What for? You too pretty for these Washington boys?"

"Edward Cullen broke into my bedroom last night and was watching me sleep," I said.

Dad choked, and coffee flew across the table in a patterned splash.

"Thought so," I mumbled.

[THE END AGAIN]

* * *

**Thanks for putting up with my Edward bashing :) God Bless! ~Pippin**


End file.
